the day that could have been
yesterday, the 11th of May, around 30+ of my fellow coursemates presented their Design Thesis for what was the final crit of the semester, and thus, the final crit of their academic architectural years. this very moment, they are either : 1. stumbling out of a pub somewhere in the city after celebrating; or 2. passed out after what was probably 3 nights of no sleep. this very moment, i am blogging about this because : 1. i am not among them; and 2. while their semester has just ended for good, mine has just begun - for the second time this year.
while i'm still sure that i made the right decision by deffering the submission of my thesis to September, a little bit of me is regretting it slightly. a little bit of me is a little bit sad, because while everyone else attends their graduation ceremonies in July, i'll still be discussing my design scheme with David. a little bit of me is a lot pissed at myself that i wasn't able to do what everyone else could, and did. a huge chunk of me is unsure whether i can even pull it off the second time around. and it was for all those reasons (and some) that, although one of my closest friends was presenting the scheme that she and her group had worked on at yesterday's crit, i was unable to bring myself to attend, to show my support, to show her that i was proud of her, and that i knew that she could do it all along.
at 11am today i'll be meeting with David. we'll be discussing my scheme : whether i have decided to stick to my original topic (a Women's Shelter), or drop it altogether and start something new. it's 7 hours away, and i still have, despite mulling over it for almost 2 weeks now, only a vague idea of what the most important design scheme i will ever have worked on in the course of my architectural education will be. and what worries me a lot is the fact that i'm not as worried as i should be about it. and what worries me more than that, is the fact that i sense the tell-tale signs of the start of a vicious cycle of apathy, procrastination, panic, regret, withdrawal, that i know will just repeat itself all over again.
when i told my parents about the deferral, they were v supportive, God bless them. they understood why i needed to do this (from the reasons that i felt i could tell them, anyway). but i think that, although they say that they understand, and that they don't want me to work myself into a nervous wreck, that deep down, they're disappointed that i did not live up to be the person that they probably imagined i was - hard-working, dedicated, focused. the last time i wrote home was a while ago, and even then it was after my mum wrote me to thank me for a surprise presentation i'd put together for her, for the Mother's Day lunch my dad's Rotary Club had that weekend. i guess it's hard for me to tell them what i've been up to, when i've been up to nothing, when i should be up to a whole lot more. it's hard for me to say that i'm fine, when i'm not, but i can't find the words to say exactly why. so i remain silent, and allow them to think that the reason for my silence is that i'm hard at work, sleeping four hours a day, thinking about nothing but my design. it's disgusting. if i could, i'd probably tell them again and again that i'm sorry, and that if i had the courage, if i could, i'd just. stop.
while i'm still sure that i made the right decision by deffering the submission of my thesis to September, a little bit of me is regretting it slightly. a little bit of me is a little bit sad, because while everyone else attends their graduation ceremonies in July, i'll still be discussing my design scheme with David. a little bit of me is a lot pissed at myself that i wasn't able to do what everyone else could, and did. a huge chunk of me is unsure whether i can even pull it off the second time around. and it was for all those reasons (and some) that, although one of my closest friends was presenting the scheme that she and her group had worked on at yesterday's crit, i was unable to bring myself to attend, to show my support, to show her that i was proud of her, and that i knew that she could do it all along.
at 11am today i'll be meeting with David. we'll be discussing my scheme : whether i have decided to stick to my original topic (a Women's Shelter), or drop it altogether and start something new. it's 7 hours away, and i still have, despite mulling over it for almost 2 weeks now, only a vague idea of what the most important design scheme i will ever have worked on in the course of my architectural education will be. and what worries me a lot is the fact that i'm not as worried as i should be about it. and what worries me more than that, is the fact that i sense the tell-tale signs of the start of a vicious cycle of apathy, procrastination, panic, regret, withdrawal, that i know will just repeat itself all over again.
when i told my parents about the deferral, they were v supportive, God bless them. they understood why i needed to do this (from the reasons that i felt i could tell them, anyway). but i think that, although they say that they understand, and that they don't want me to work myself into a nervous wreck, that deep down, they're disappointed that i did not live up to be the person that they probably imagined i was - hard-working, dedicated, focused. the last time i wrote home was a while ago, and even then it was after my mum wrote me to thank me for a surprise presentation i'd put together for her, for the Mother's Day lunch my dad's Rotary Club had that weekend. i guess it's hard for me to tell them what i've been up to, when i've been up to nothing, when i should be up to a whole lot more. it's hard for me to say that i'm fine, when i'm not, but i can't find the words to say exactly why. so i remain silent, and allow them to think that the reason for my silence is that i'm hard at work, sleeping four hours a day, thinking about nothing but my design. it's disgusting. if i could, i'd probably tell them again and again that i'm sorry, and that if i had the courage, if i could, i'd just. stop.
posted by nu. at 3:39 am
2 Comments:
Days like this come, I swear, it's a bitch! I have had them, so it's only normal, because, if you didnt keep silence, you know what they are gonna say rite? And it is probably the last thing you'd need and wanna hear.
I suggest you, to probably, take a walk in the park, feed the ducks, and relax for a bit. Go out clubbing or shopping.
And when you are done, somehow, for all that time spent, you'd feel oblidged to do what you are meant to do. U will owe yourself that favour of getting down to work.
Which was what I'd do back then. If you dont motivate yourself, trust me, no one is there to do it for you. It's not like when u were back home, u had: 1 -Parents, 2-teachers like mr lai on ur back.
No worries sayang, I've had those times.. take it easy on urself girl. Kays? Love u.
ooh, self-motivation. so easy in theory, but a bitch to practice!
thanks, babe. love you too :)
Post a Comment
<< Home