pining for apple crumble
i've just finished off an e-mail to my girlfriends down in the under-end of the world, rattling off about nonsensical things that don't matter, like a recipe for marshmallow corn-krispies and a description of another one of my twisted dreams (which involved a bald bulldog and a Angelina Jolie-is-a-lesbian suspiscion). thing is, i miss these girls. terribly. my medication is running out, and i forgot to get it refilled so i'm halving my dosage this weekend until i get a refill on Monday. so i don't know if it's the lack of Prozac that's made me feel more lately, or whether i just miss them that much.
it's funny how that cliché about distance and hearts turns out to be true, as it seems like we've drawn closer now that we're on opposite sides of the world; even more so than when we had spent three years sitting in the same studio less than 10 metres away from each other. we've been able to confide in each other more now that we're corresponding mostly through e-mail, more than when we had spent endless stressful sleepless nights churning out design ideas before crits. face-to-face, we tend to hide our vulnerabilities behind jokes, crazy dances, insane stunts, and whatever madness we used to come up with during our all-nighters. now, with this group e-mail, for the first time i'm seeing words like "i'm worried..." or "i'm afraid..." or "i'm sorry that..." Mel is worried that i may be getting addicted to Prozac. Jean is worried about whether she and her ex-boyfriend should still keep in touch and remain friends. Sarah is worried that i'm going to end up so numbed to everything that i'll end up laughing at funerals. Annie is starting to worry about the fact that Mel and i both recently had dreams about her boobs.
speaking of funerals, it turns out my grandmother is dying. she'd been coughing for a while recently, and when she had an x-ray done the doctors found that she has late-stage bronchial cancer. she's in her late 70's, and they don't want to put her through the pain of chemotheraphy, so for now it's just going to be about alleviating her discomfort until her time comes. my mum's quite concerned about how i'm taking the news, but i think she's getting all worked-up for nothing. i feel sorry for my grandma, but i'm not getting all depressed or anything. i mean, how is that going to help anyone anyway, right? i guess i'm more worried about my dad and how he's taking it. it's funny, in a way, how all the attention is not entirely on my grandma (who hardly looks sick at all, according to my mum) but on the people around her - my dad, whom i think has always felt a little bit guilty about not being with her as often as he could; and my aunt, whom my grandma's lived with all these years. i guess, in this case, distance helps too. the fact that i'm 6000 miles away from home makes me sort of detatched from everything that's going on back there. or maybe i really am getting over-numbed; when i e-mailed the girls about my grandmother, it was a short paragraph among other longer paragraphs about yet another weird dream about Jean getting pregnant and opening a birthing centre for upper-class Indonesian single mothers, and a recipe for milo-marshmallows and spaghetti tuna-mayo.
it's funny how that cliché about distance and hearts turns out to be true, as it seems like we've drawn closer now that we're on opposite sides of the world; even more so than when we had spent three years sitting in the same studio less than 10 metres away from each other. we've been able to confide in each other more now that we're corresponding mostly through e-mail, more than when we had spent endless stressful sleepless nights churning out design ideas before crits. face-to-face, we tend to hide our vulnerabilities behind jokes, crazy dances, insane stunts, and whatever madness we used to come up with during our all-nighters. now, with this group e-mail, for the first time i'm seeing words like "i'm worried..." or "i'm afraid..." or "i'm sorry that..." Mel is worried that i may be getting addicted to Prozac. Jean is worried about whether she and her ex-boyfriend should still keep in touch and remain friends. Sarah is worried that i'm going to end up so numbed to everything that i'll end up laughing at funerals. Annie is starting to worry about the fact that Mel and i both recently had dreams about her boobs.
speaking of funerals, it turns out my grandmother is dying. she'd been coughing for a while recently, and when she had an x-ray done the doctors found that she has late-stage bronchial cancer. she's in her late 70's, and they don't want to put her through the pain of chemotheraphy, so for now it's just going to be about alleviating her discomfort until her time comes. my mum's quite concerned about how i'm taking the news, but i think she's getting all worked-up for nothing. i feel sorry for my grandma, but i'm not getting all depressed or anything. i mean, how is that going to help anyone anyway, right? i guess i'm more worried about my dad and how he's taking it. it's funny, in a way, how all the attention is not entirely on my grandma (who hardly looks sick at all, according to my mum) but on the people around her - my dad, whom i think has always felt a little bit guilty about not being with her as often as he could; and my aunt, whom my grandma's lived with all these years. i guess, in this case, distance helps too. the fact that i'm 6000 miles away from home makes me sort of detatched from everything that's going on back there. or maybe i really am getting over-numbed; when i e-mailed the girls about my grandmother, it was a short paragraph among other longer paragraphs about yet another weird dream about Jean getting pregnant and opening a birthing centre for upper-class Indonesian single mothers, and a recipe for milo-marshmallows and spaghetti tuna-mayo.
posted by nu. at 6:18 pm
2 Comments:
I'm very sorry to hear about your Grandma. I hope she doesn't suffer too much. That's not fair.
Perhaps the distance works in your favor, as far as grieving is concerned.
I wish you well.
Speaking abt dreams and getting pregnant..
I dreamt the other nite that I got pregnant, OUT OF WEDLOCK.
Scary one... but knowing the father of the child was a relieve (in my dreams of course)
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