My loyal subject
I cannot begin to express how elated I am to receive news from you, my Beloved and Loyal Ambassador to the Great Unknown (a.k.a. Ausytralia). It has been so long since I last heard from you, I feared that wild kangaroos had perhaps captured you and kept you as their pet monkey.
I thank you for your gift of Grog. He is now typing out this letter that I am dictating to him, as I am currently otherwise occupied with other Queenly duties. Although I am very grateful for his well-formed abdominal and pectoral musculature, I must say that he is most unsatisfying as a masius. Also he does not spell so good. So, I hope that you will not be offended in my sending him back to the flesh market in Turkey. I had initially planned to fly him to Ausytralia to serve as your toe-nail picker but he begged me not to, screaming something about it being a fate worse than a thousand deaths whilst repeatedly scraping the skin off his chest. I must say, these Scantynovenians are a dramatic bunch. It was most disturbing witnessing his display, not to mention terribly messy for my poor maids to clean up.
Dearest Ambassador, the picture that you sent me, of you and your concerned puppy, filled me with much joy. It certainly brightened my day. Although, it did sadden me a smidge to think that that wasp caused horrendous damage to your face. Thankfully it missed that spot on your chin. Yes, my dear faithful servant, God spares us from complete harm and utter humiliation, even though it is only by a patch smaller than 5 grains of rice. That, by the way, was a wise quote from a wise man that I met whilst working at the Chicken Fair : dear old Lau Ah Pek, the kind gentleman managing the Chicken Liver And Other Innards stall next to mine.
I am so proud that you are now working as an Assistant Eyebrow Plucker in Singapore. You have reached new heights, as I knew you would. I hope that you find as much enlightenment in your days of eyebrow plucking as I did in my days of chicken fairing. As for me, I am currently experiencing the life of my people, or as you so aptly quoted a wise woman (me) by saying "To understand your people, you must Be your people". I work the corner of Bold and Renshaw Streets. My clients are lovely and the pay is good. At least, the pay would have been good if I charged any money for it, but as you know, I am exceedingly rich and money means nothing to me, so my services (as are yours) are Free Of Course. In fact, I am currently seeing to the needs of a very important customer, which is why Grog is typing this letter to you. I have so much fun and my clients are so grateful, they keep coming back, and they recommend friends too ! They have affectionately nick-named me as the Easy Floozy, which I'm certain is some form of higher distinction in this profession.
Well, I must draw this letter to a close. But before that, I do wish to discuss some matters of our Beloved country with you. The islands in the Himalayas is ready for you. I am pleased to inform you that the natives are awaiting the arrival of their new ruler. They have planned a great and lavish feast in your honour; I'm told that an exquisite menu of the highest standards is being prepared. The head cook is preparing his specialty - Chicken Gizzard Broth and Stewed Cow Udders with Fermented Cheese Sauce. Oh my mouth waters at the thought. I will mail the map of the islands to you, so you will be able to find it. I tried e-mailing it to your e-mail account, but I couldn't find the slot in my computer to stuff the map in.
Well, it has been a pleasure relaying my praise and gratitude to you. My exquisite buns are very pleased that you have served as a good and faithful Ambassador. You are most certainly a dedicated Maalysian and I am proud to have you as my citizen. Yes, you and I may be the only citizens in Maalysia, but we can still be a powerful country. Don't forget, "Two carrots, when placed in hot soup, will rise and float; conquering all the other vegetables in the pot". Wise words, from wise Lau Ah Pek. May his teachings guide us in our daily life.
Your most beautiful and venerable,
Queen of Maalysia
I thank you for your gift of Grog. He is now typing out this letter that I am dictating to him, as I am currently otherwise occupied with other Queenly duties. Although I am very grateful for his well-formed abdominal and pectoral musculature, I must say that he is most unsatisfying as a masius. Also he does not spell so good. So, I hope that you will not be offended in my sending him back to the flesh market in Turkey. I had initially planned to fly him to Ausytralia to serve as your toe-nail picker but he begged me not to, screaming something about it being a fate worse than a thousand deaths whilst repeatedly scraping the skin off his chest. I must say, these Scantynovenians are a dramatic bunch. It was most disturbing witnessing his display, not to mention terribly messy for my poor maids to clean up.
Dearest Ambassador, the picture that you sent me, of you and your concerned puppy, filled me with much joy. It certainly brightened my day. Although, it did sadden me a smidge to think that that wasp caused horrendous damage to your face. Thankfully it missed that spot on your chin. Yes, my dear faithful servant, God spares us from complete harm and utter humiliation, even though it is only by a patch smaller than 5 grains of rice. That, by the way, was a wise quote from a wise man that I met whilst working at the Chicken Fair : dear old Lau Ah Pek, the kind gentleman managing the Chicken Liver And Other Innards stall next to mine.
I am so proud that you are now working as an Assistant Eyebrow Plucker in Singapore. You have reached new heights, as I knew you would. I hope that you find as much enlightenment in your days of eyebrow plucking as I did in my days of chicken fairing. As for me, I am currently experiencing the life of my people, or as you so aptly quoted a wise woman (me) by saying "To understand your people, you must Be your people". I work the corner of Bold and Renshaw Streets. My clients are lovely and the pay is good. At least, the pay would have been good if I charged any money for it, but as you know, I am exceedingly rich and money means nothing to me, so my services (as are yours) are Free Of Course. In fact, I am currently seeing to the needs of a very important customer, which is why Grog is typing this letter to you. I have so much fun and my clients are so grateful, they keep coming back, and they recommend friends too ! They have affectionately nick-named me as the Easy Floozy, which I'm certain is some form of higher distinction in this profession.
Well, I must draw this letter to a close. But before that, I do wish to discuss some matters of our Beloved country with you. The islands in the Himalayas is ready for you. I am pleased to inform you that the natives are awaiting the arrival of their new ruler. They have planned a great and lavish feast in your honour; I'm told that an exquisite menu of the highest standards is being prepared. The head cook is preparing his specialty - Chicken Gizzard Broth and Stewed Cow Udders with Fermented Cheese Sauce. Oh my mouth waters at the thought. I will mail the map of the islands to you, so you will be able to find it. I tried e-mailing it to your e-mail account, but I couldn't find the slot in my computer to stuff the map in.
Well, it has been a pleasure relaying my praise and gratitude to you. My exquisite buns are very pleased that you have served as a good and faithful Ambassador. You are most certainly a dedicated Maalysian and I am proud to have you as my citizen. Yes, you and I may be the only citizens in Maalysia, but we can still be a powerful country. Don't forget, "Two carrots, when placed in hot soup, will rise and float; conquering all the other vegetables in the pot". Wise words, from wise Lau Ah Pek. May his teachings guide us in our daily life.
Your most beautiful and venerable,
Queen of Maalysia
posted by nu. at 12:18 pm
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